Oh hai.

Now in my mom’s office, on a Sunday. Man, she works way too hard. I wish we were rich. At our ages I should be sponsoring her (nonexistent) lunches out with her amigas and her (also nonexistent) country club membership.

Yesterday, I went to my very first acting VTR. I initially went there thinking I’d be dancing, because according to the announcement I saw on Facebook, the client needed theatre performers who could dance. Though the thought of going there on my own was a little bit daunting to me, I dressed in comfortable dancing clothes before I could change my mind and hauled my ass off to the casting agency. I got the scare of my life when I was told that I wouldn’t be dancing and that they would need me to act.

As a fairly new performer, if there are two things I am absolutely uncomfortable doing, it would be improv and performing alone in front of a camera. And I had to do both at the same time. It was awful. I have never felt my heart beat so fast before, and so loud. I could really hear it in my ears, threatening to drown out the instructions of the person behind the camera.

“Galingan mo ha. I’m sure sanay ka naman sa harap ng camera diba?” said the agent to me as I did last minute adjustments to my hair. I smiled at her - she was a pleasant enough person - while my brain was going OH MY GOD HELP ME WHAT AM I DOING HERE GET ME OUT GET ME OUT! The camera person didn’t help my mood either. Man, was she a BITCH. But I tried to remain respectful even when all I really wanted to do was yank that camera out of the tripod and smash it into her face. Ang hirap magpaka-plastic. Unfortunately, apparently I have to learn the art of being fake if I want to survive in this industry. And I hate it.

The thing with working in this field, is that you are really forced to go out of your comfort zone if you want to stay in it long term. You have to be continually pushing yourself, scaring yourself even, to grow. As a freelance artist, dealing with the stress of going to (and being rejected from) auditions and VTRs is a way of life, and I have to keep reminding myself that “failed” auditions aren’t a waste of time and money.

Anyway, though I’m sure I’m not booking the job, the VTR wasn’t a total loss. I got pictures taken because the agent thought I might be a fit for this other project. Fingers crossed!

I fear improv. I fear the camera. And my job entails facing these fears. Let’s see if I overcome them anytime soon.

A performing arts scholar, that is.

When I saw the announcement last November that STAND, a school for theatre arts and dance, was holding auditions for potential scholars and company members, I wanted to try out. But I understood they were asking applicants to prepare a song, a movement piece, and an acting piece…and I strongly felt that delivering monologues was NOT a part of my skill set.

And so, I let the auditions pass, like so many others that required auditionees to deliver monologues. I should mention that I’ve been singing and dancing for years, and I’ve only had veeeery few acting classes (I just started last year) so I’m not that confident about it. And while I do enjoy acting, the fact that I have to prove myself worthy of something just TERRIFIES me, okay.

But as fate would have it, I am now working on a new project with Raf, the STAND student who posted the audition announcement (I got cast in Hope for the Flowers the Musical - more on that in another blog entry if I don’t get lazy). She told me that auditionees just had to sing, dance, and act out a song - a 3-in-1 piece - and that they were still looking for scholars! Yay!

So I scheduled my audition today and performed “Oh, the Thinks You Can Think” from Seussical. LOL. Back when we were still running, I just had to sing my character’s parts, but for this song to make sense during my audition, I had to sing all of the lines of course. And though I rehearsed the whole song at home, I made it only halfway during my audition because I had a hard time catching my breath. Haha. I think I ended the song nicely enough though, since I passed that part of the audition.

What?

Yeah, the audition has three phases: first, the actual performance; second, an interview; and third, a month’s worth of training. And after a month, if they think I deserve that scholarship, they keep me. Applicants have to pass all three phases if they intend to be scholars.

Basically the interview was for the panel to know how passionate I am about performing, and how badly I want to be trained. Maricar Aragon-Andrada (she is head of the company) informed me that they’re trying to take theater to the next level, and the plan is to train promising talents and make them full-fledged triple threats (in singing, dancing, and acting). In return, these talents join the company full-time, long term.

She also said that scholars train every day, from 8 in the morning till 12 noon, with perfect attendance, and that it would be “grueling and painful.” Do I still want it? (YES.)

Apparently the training is just that grueling and painful that 75% drop out of the class within a month. Do I still want it? (YES. I need to try.)

I’ll leave out all the other details as this is already quite long, but the main idea is that I passed the first two phases and am now waiting for Raf to notify me when the first day of training will be.

So here I am, hoping like hell that I’ll be strong enough, flexible enough, and graceful enough to endure all that training - the third phase and hopefully beyond that. And God, I hope they like me. I’m kind of scared because I can’t even do my splits anymore. I think I need to do some stretches now.

I hope everything goes well. I really want to be like OMGTHEBESTPERFORMEREVER, you know?

Dad, to Ate and Kaye: “Dapat sabay kayo mag-Cohen diet, tapos kung sino highest loser…”

Ate: “Ano po ang prize?”

Dad: ”Your beauty!”

Um.

Last month, I gave into temptation and finally bought something at the Ayala Malls Bakers’ Fair, after avoiding it for so long. I’m not really sure what made me do it. Maybe it was because I lost a lot of weight since I started doing shows for Repertory and I was letting myself go. And I figured, since I usually had weekend Seussical shows in Greenbelt 1 anyway, I made this crazy decision to sample everything that appealed to me. I could only treat myself to one thing per weekend though. Have to control the sugar. ;)

Today, it was Cukay’s turn. Her red velvet cake, to be specific.

OMG, HEAVEN (photo taken from Cukay’s Multiply site)

I forgot to take a picture, I was too busy devouring it. It was soft, moist, and creamy, and with that cream cheese frosting it was just…wow sorry there are no words. Basta it was GOOD. I had to share it with my family because I felt guilty eating it all by myself. My mom ended up eating most of the cake, and now she’s telling me to buy another one. Haha.

This still doesn’t top Twenty One Plates’ Frozen Brazo though. THAT is number one in my heart. LOL

I was a little girl who couldn’t get over her dog being killed. I don’t remember exactly what kind of torture was inflicted on that dog, but I remember dragging my little brother to the place where the dog was snatched (I think). It was one of those dreams where the characters didn’t look like anyone I knew, but they were supposed to be people I knew. And the little girl wasn’t even me as a child.

I never really got too attached to my pets, and I moved on pretty fast. So me tearing up again, remembering that dream while writing this is really REALLY weird to me. Pieces of the dream are already fading from my memory buy I still have a heavy heart, and I don’t know why.

I don’t even cry easily! What the hell.

• Ayam tried to fix Charity’s mic discreetly
• Charity tried to share mics with whoever was closest
• I was wondering what the hell was going on hahahaha!

But I kept hearing Rem’s words in my head: “When in doubt, PROJECT!”

And so I did.

:)

And during the curtain call, the kids were still waving at us like crazy, wearing huge smiles, extending their hands to shake ours. So I guess we made it work? Awesome.

Really. I’m not kidding.

Actually I’ve been thinking about it since grade school, but I was a really self-conscious kid and I was afraid of what other people might think of me.

But now that I’ve outgrown that… (at least, I like to think I have)

Now that I’m not in the corporate world anymore…

Now that I can afford wigs, should the need to show up someplace formal (or wherever hair on my head is needed) arises…

Now that I’m freaking 27 years old…

I feel like I should take the plunge and just go for it! I texted my entire family, just so I know what they think about the idea, and gave them my reasons. Only the men responded.

Jay: “No, dont”

Dad: “Ano ka!!!”, “No please!”, and “Please!” (LOL my dad cracks me up)

Unfortunately for me, my dad is kind of like the boss of me and he knows it. Hahaha. I just wish he’d understand! It’s not even about vanity. It’s just hair! It’ll grow back! And my hair grows back fast, so really, I don’t think it should be a problem.

And just because I think this song describes how I feel, I’m ending this post with a music video: India.Arie’s “I Am Not My Hair” :)